Don’t Get Me Vex

I, Ryan Williams, hereby resolve:

1. To stop f@%&!# cursing without good cause. Sometimes it just slips into my language for emphasis, or for laughs. But I know I’m better than that and could find decent ways to embarrass people without resorting to swearing. I’m going to work on it.

2. Workout the lard off my gut This is a tough one. It always is. This is actually the first year I’m putting it on my list, though. I’m getting closer to that 40-yr old prostate examination and, forget the health issues, I’d just like to be in shape for the FEMALE doctor who’s going to invade me back there.

3. Find ways to do things that matter on this world. I won’t go into depth about it right now, but I’ve been noticing how unimportant my job and many of the things I do on a daily basis are to the betterment or well-being of this world. Now, I’m not going to join GreenPeace and save whales or anything like that, but I was websurfing and found “The Better World Handbook: From Good Intentions to Everyday Actions” by Jones, Haenfler, et.al. and I think I’m going to be using it. Once I buy it, that is.

4. Learn to speak Vietnamese I’m getting married this year. That’s not a prediction, by the authority of my fiancée, that is law. I’m looking forward to it, or maybe just looking forward to the ceremony being over, but I digress. She’s Vietnamese, and (doh!) so is her family. I’d like to impress them by properly learning the language, but more importantly, I want to eavesdrop on them when they predict my offspring will look like con khi - vietnamese for monkey. They’re really nice people, but they’re human too. I know someone in my Jamaican family’s going to call one of them ‘chiney’.

5. To be more honest and revealing in this Column When I started this writing thing, I intended to tell you what’s going on in my life for my 30th year, you know, Saturn Return and all that. But I easily get side-tracked by my thoughts on the crazy oddities of the world around us. Well let me tell you that there are quite a few oddities in my personal life, and while I’ll try to protect the names of the innocent, I’m going to also try to be more forthcoming with the ridiculous and insane turns my life sometimes takes.

6. To not be angry with myself when I only get to half of these resolutions.

Now I thought I’d make some predictions for the rest of you this year. After all, if Miss Cleo can do it… Aries
(March 21-April 19)
Someone you know or someone who knows you or someone who knows someone you know will die this year.

Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Hair will grow in places you don’t want it to grow this year. Trust me.

Gemini
(May 21-June 21)
You’re going to learn something new this year.

Cancer
(June 22-July 22)
Cancer, huh? Your sign is Cancer? You need to say a whole bunch of prayers. And taking anti-oxidants wouldn’t hurt either.

Leo
(July 23-Aug 22)
I predict your birthday will be on a warm day.

Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept 23)
Are there male Virgos? I’ve never met a male who would admit he’s a Virgo. Sounds like a girl’s sign. You’ll get your period this year.

Libra
(Sept 23-Oct 22)
Love, respect, success and happiness are coming your way. (Guess what my sign is?)

Scorpio
(0ct 23-Nov 21)
Someone you don’t like is going to do another thing you don’t like this year. Prepare yourself. Put the machine (artillery, heat, piece) out of reach and get ready for some bitch-slapping.

Sagittarius
(Nov 22-Dec 21)
This year you will find there is too much gay programming on TV for you.

Capricorn
(Dec 22-Jan 19)
A good shower will keep you clean this year, but will do nothing for the bum who keeps coming to bed stinky beside you.

Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
You will find Break-dancing is still not cool at the company Christmas party this year.

Pisces
(Feb 19-Mar 20)
Uhm, this is my Girl’s sign. I think I’m going to pass. Well maybe not. Yeah, maybe I should leave it alone. What the heck - Somebody loves you this year. (Awwwww!)

See I told you I could get through this article without cursing one f#$%@&* swear-word! Happy New Year to all! Stay Focused,
Rilly

Source: Info Beat - ((http://www.infobeat.com/index.cfm?action=article&id=121811))